my bf and i live together for the last 4 yrs.he has joint c and equal and set visitation with his exwife for thier 9yr old son.on the days/weekends my bf does not have his son i tend to make plans for us to do things together.well his ex tends to call sometimes last min or weeks in advance the change the schedule around to suit her.the problem is my bf will discuss all the details with her and agree to what ever she wants 1st before he even checks with me to see if i had anything planned.yes i know emergencies come up but her getting a hot date does not count in my book.i have told him i would just like a phone call to see if i had anything planned before he agrees to any changes.most of the time he will have an excuse why he could not call me(forgot,to busy at work)i think hes just afraid of her and knows she will have a fit if he says to her %26quot;i have to check with sue(me) 1st%26quot; as she still wants to call the shots.is this worth fighting over with my bf because thats what its come to.
Other stepmoms do you have to deal with this and how do u handle it?
First let me ask, are there any plans to becoming “Mrs.” instead of his being your “bf”. The question has to do with Family. As a boyfriend, he is not accountable, per se. The child is forever in his life. The mother is forever connected through the child in his life. His having joint custody means that they will be in communication even after they are both married to others because they have a child. A nine year old in this situation can be very unstable. This is a time for the two of them to pay close attention to this child. Now, when it comes to you, after marriage, you become family and will be a part of the planning. It is through marriage that you are connected and through blood the son is connected.
I understand that is can be very frustrating and angering but the reasons for the scheduling due to the ex-wife meeting or having a date is really not the issue. The issue is not being spoken in this forum. I will say that experience has provided that after marriage, as the wife, there was an established respect and acknowledgement as family.
Common respect is what you are asking for as the girlfriend. Common respect has to be implemented by the boyfriend. His child does not see you as family. His child may see you as temporary. Sometimes it takes the adults to as well, to grow up. The intentions of the ex-wife are not clear.
He may be afraid to lose connection with his child but if you became family, that changes the whole legal and moral situation.
Ask him, what are his intentions towards you? The ex-wife is not the problem.
I really wish you the best in this situation. Think of your life and think about the Childs life. That will provide focus and show maturity.
Take care.
Other stepmoms do you have to deal with this and how do u handle it?
well you are a GF not a wife he should not have to okay with you the time he and the kid's mom decides on.... end period. If you were a wife then i would agree with you. don't came between a boy and his father it's wrong.
his kid is most important for him dont ever forget that
I understand where you're coming from, but you have to understand that his kid is his pride and joy (unless he is a bad father.). If the kid has nowhere else to go, then you're going to have to take him in sometimes without notice. However, since the mother of the child just wants to date, that's a little selfish of her to do that and then put the kid on you guys. It's give and take. She has to be able to date as well (I'm taking it that she has full custody practically?) - so these little moments of taking care of the kid on days your boyfriend is not supposed to have him could be a real joy to him. You have to understand that his kid is probably going to come first. BUT PLEASE, please please please do not take this out on the kid. I had a stepmother I HATED because she was jealous of my relationship with my father...she eventually pushed me away and now my father and her have a bad relationship. So be nice, otherwise you might get the kid out of the picture but your boyfriend also might start to dislike you.
%26lt;%26lt;i would just like a phone call to see if i had anything planned before he agrees to any changes.%26gt;%26gt;
This part makes me ask, do you ever tell him what you have planned when you come up with it? Maybe if you were to tell him what you want to do as soon as you think of it, this wouldn't be that big of a deal.
Have you thought of telling him when you've made special plans so that he knows he's busy before she calls? I say special plans because in my book kids are the number one priority. I understand that his ex is probably just doing it to be nasty sometimes, but his child should come first. It's not the child's fault his mom acts this way, perhaps you can make plans that he can be included in occasionally.
I'm sorry but this is what happens when you date a man that has kids. His first priority is his child so he and his ex will always be communicating and making plans together about this child. The whole check with you first is you wanting to be first in his life and that's not possible in this situation. As long as his ex is not trying to get back with him, then you shouldn't be complaining about anything.
